Elf@Wine

3 down and 2 to go. 2 more papers before we end the sem with a full-stop. Its 12.30am now and i have another paper at 2.15pm later. i am not sure how well i did or how badly i did for my finals. keep my finger cross and hope for the best. sem break officially starts this friday after physiology paper. i will use the month to rest, to prepare mentally for cretin exams result and to plan how i should change myself totally to bring out the best in me. maybe i should live like the 2003 me. retrospect 2003, i pushed myself over my limits and it ended with prodigious results and im contented.

The month of november, is a month to remember. 376 and a quater days ago, it was a fine evening. as usual, after dinner i would sit and mug. but that night was exceptional. i felt uneasy. i placed my palm over my forehead and t was warm. i open the drawer and took 2 paracetamol down into my stomach. my mum came back from the hospital after visiting my brother who were admitted due to dengue fever. i did not let them know im not feeling well. my mind was only thinking and telling myself ‘im just tired. nothing’s going to happen. STPM is my life. im not allowing myself to break down’.

it was sunday. after 4 days of self-deceiving, i fainted on the way to have breakfast after check up at the hospital. i had no choice but to pack my books and bring it to the hospital. i smile to those who visited me. i asked my parents to go back home. the books i brought was redundant. no matter how hard i concentrate, i cant focus at all and im just too tired for that. 1 week in the hospital, i defeated not only physically but also mentally. at that point of time, i knew im going to screw up all my papers and thats the end of everything. 16th of march proves everything. i screwed and i fumbled.

it has been a year. the image is still fresh in my mind. but that was the past. its still the greatest set back in my 19 years life. as for my final exam this sem, i know i did not perform to my best maybe because im still defeated mentally. i have decided. to be the 2003 me starting next sem. its a bit tough but i know im able to endure whatever excrutiating circumstances because i ’survived’ 16th of march.

i dont want to disappoint myself, my parents and those who pin high hopes on me. even if i do, at least i know i tried my best.

i miss the 2003 me. but im sure im not going to just ‘miss’ but to ‘be’ very soon.

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